The Failure to Communicate

The failure to communicate sometimes comes down to these two different communication styles:

the self-focused style and the myself and others focused style.

The self-focused style's goal is to get the result that we want. Whether for someone else to agree, support, or acknowledge us in some way. We do not see the other as humanely but rather as a problem or obstacle that needs to either be fixed or eliminated.

Because we are self-focused, we do not see or understand how the other is experiencing the conflict; our defensiveness, impatience, or resentfulness. Some behaviors that we display when we are self-focused are control, blame, ignore, or punish. Another and more well-known behavior of the self-focused style is passive aggression. When we are passive aggressive, we give token niceness or agreement to the other which is meant to portray cooperation-- or in cases of self-victimization-- submission.

Very little resolution is made in the self-focused style of communication. Any resolution is short-lived, and it is likely that the same concerns will persist and require addressing repeatedly.

On the other hand, when we communicate in a way that considers our needs and the needs of others, we acknowledge that the other matters in the same ways that we do. Therefore, they are included in the conversation. We do not make assumptions except to assume good intentions.

We ask questions rather than accuse. Listening is used as a vehicle to better understand not plan for a rebuttal. We understand that it isn't necessary to be defensive or to defend ourselves because we are both accountable.

The communication style which focuses on others result in wins or resolutions that are overall, good for both or all-- not just self. It is often an opportunity for growth for both.

I researched the top reasons that communication fails. Here is what you can do without:

1. Making assumptions

2. Using vague, imprecise language

3. Using the wrong delivery platform

4. My favourite that I heard someone else say in a seminar: “believing that a thought in your brain becomes an understanding in my brain is a failure in communication.” *laughing*

5. Not listening/not listening but waiting to respond

6. Ego, disrespect

This is a great list and a gentle reminder that we are all perfectly imperfect humans. At the end of the day, if nothing else, start with good intentions.

With love from my soul to yours,

Dana van Ness, Life Coach

Exceptional You